


Tests and Trials

by LibraryMage



Series: Lost and Found [5]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe, Father-Son Relationship, Found Family, Gen, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 15:44:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18552814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: Kanan and Ezra are both tested in the Jedi temple on Lothal.





	Tests and Trials

**Author's Note:**

> warning for: child abuse; character being temporarily believed dead

Ezra stared intently out of the _Phantom’s_ viewport.  This far out into the grasslands, there wasn’t much to see, but he couldn’t tear his gaze away.  He hadn't been back to Lothal since before he knew it was the planet of his birth, and this time he wanted to be able to remember something that wouldn’t be drowned out by sheer terror.

Ezra’s hands shook slightly at the memory.  A tingling sensation spread through his scalp as he remembered the feeling of the Inquisitor’s hand tangling in his hair as she dragged him into the hallway.  He couldn’t help but shudder at the memory of her lightly touching the scar over his eye, admiring her handiwork.

He drew in a long breath as he tried to tell himself that all of that was over, only for a tight knot of guilt to form in his stomach.  The Seventh Sister was dead and couldn’t hurt him or anyone else again, but only because he’d killed her.

“You alright?” Kanan asked, glancing over at him from the pilot’s seat.

Ezra nodded quickly.

“It’s nothing,” he said.  His eyes darted around as he tried to find a way to change the subject before Kanan asked any more questions.

“It’s strange that the holocron led us here,” he said.

“Well,” Kanan said, “this _is_ your home.”

“It’s not,” Ezra said quietly, more to himself than to Kanan, as he trailed his fingers down the transparisteel.

“It was once,” Kanan said.  “Before Maul.”

Ezra gave a small sigh as he hugged his arms around himself.  Kanan was right.  This had been his home planet for the first three years of his life, and he had no memory of it.  He’d tried to find some connection to Lothal, hoping that conversations with his birth parents would spark something, bring back a memory that had been buried by time, but there was still nothing.  After all this time, he was beginning to accept the fact that he would probably never remember.

Ezra tried to find a way to express the twisted-up feelings in his head to Kanan, but he was saved from having to say anything when something appeared on the horizon.  It appeared to be a small mountain, but according to the holocron, it was much more than that.  As they approached the temple, Ezra’s hands began to shake again.  He was so wrapped up in his own anxiety that he nearly flinched when Kanan sent a soft pulse of reassurance across their bond.

“Kanan,” he said, finally turning away from the viewport to face his master.  “What if I can't -- what if I’m not supposed to be here?”

“The Force led you to this place,” Kanan gently reminded him.  “It’s not going to be easy, but you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t meant to be.”

Ezra wasn’t nearly as convinced as convinced as Kanan seemed to be.  What if it was some kind of trick?  A cruel reminder from the Force that Ezra was too far gone to ever be a Jedi.  What if the holocron had showed them this place not because Ezra was really supposed to be here, but because it was responding to Kanan’s hopes for him?

As Kanan set the _Phantom_ down, Ezra fiddled with the edge of his sleeve, staring down at his feet.  He kept his eyes on the ground as he followed Kanan off of the ship, unable to stop himself from dragging his feet a little.  It wasn’t that he didn’t want to do this, but he couldn’t stop thinking about what might go wrong, and how disappointed Kanan would be when it did.

When they approached the mountain, Ezra quickly scanned it with his eyes.  There was no sign that it was anything other than what it appeared to be.

“How do we get inside?” he asked.

“That’s part of the test,” Kanan said.  The anxious fluttering in Ezra’s stomach immediately grew stronger.  He stood perfectly still, staring up at the temple until Kanan gently nudged him toward it.

Ezra slowly walked toward the stone, his heart seeming to pound harder with every step.  When he reached the temple, he reached out and pressed his hand against it, only to pull back almost immediately.  The stone hummed with the sheer power of the Force, stronger than Ezra had ever felt it before.  It had been like something stinging his skin when he’d touched it.  He reached out again, more cautiously this time, and pressed his hand to the stone once more.  Now that he was expecting it, the feeling was less of a sting and more of a sharp tingle against his skin.

Ezra breathed in deeply, letting the Force flow around him and through him, drawing the temple’s presence through the stone and up his arm, wrapping it around his mind and his heart.  For a moment, his vision blurred, and through the fog that settled over his eyes he could see the faint outline of two people standing in front of the temple, side by side, their hands outstretched toward it as the stone rose up out of the ground.

“We have to lift the stone together,” Ezra said, taking a step back and looking over his shoulder at Kanan.

“Then together it shall be,” Kanan said as he stepped up beside Ezra.

They each reached out a hand toward the stone.  Ezra hesitated even as he felt Kanan connecting to the glowing presence of the Force within the temple.

“It’ll be okay,” Kanan said.  “You can do this.”

Ezra closed his eyes reached out, letting his presence in the Force flow together with Kanan’s until they were operating as a single unit, reaching out toward the stone.  Finally, with the slow stubbornness of a door that hadn't been opened in years, the stone rose up out of the ground, revealing the entrance to the temple.

When Ezra opened his eyes, he saw Kanan smiling at him and felt a flicker of soft reassurance across their bond as they walked through the door.  As they descended into the ancient temple, the first thing Ezra noticed was that it wasn’t as dark as he’d expected it to be.  He couldn’t see a light source, but a soft glow seemed to emanate from the walls themselves.  As they stepped into a wide room, a grinding sound echoed through the air as the door shut behind them.

“So what happens --” Ezra’s voice died in his throat as he stopped in his tracks.  Lying on the floor near the far wall of the room were two bodies, long since decayed into skeletons.  For a moment, Ezra just stared.  He felt like he should feel something more than just surprise at the sight.  Horror, maybe.  But he didn’t.  It was far from the being the first body he’d seen.

“You okay?” Kanan asked, walking up beside him.

“Yeah,” Ezra said, taking some small comfort in the fact that Kanan seemed as unaffected as he was.  “I’m fine.  What happens now?”

Kanan gestured to the door on the opposite side of the room.  Beyond it, Ezra could see nothing but darkness.

“In there, you’ll have to face your greatest fears and overcome them,” he said.  He put his hand on Ezra’s shoulder, and Ezra knew he sensed the sudden spike of fear that had shot through him.

“What about you?” Ezra asked.

“I’ll be out here,” Kanan said, glancing at the two skeletons that flanked them, “with them.  Masters whose padawans never made it out.”

Ezra took a step back and looked up at Kanan.  He couldn’t be serious.  Kanan was betting his life on Ezra making it through whatever tests the temple was going to throw at him when he knew Ezra was more likely to fail than most padawans.

“You’ll do great,” Kanan said, sounding much more confident than Ezra felt.

Ezra took a few hesitant steps toward the door before that nervous flutter in his stomach became too much and he stopped in his tracks.  He looked back at Kanan, who gave him an encouraging nod.  Ezra took a long, shaking breath, steeling himself before he walked through the door.  As the door began to slide closed behind him, he quickly turned around.

“What am I even looking for?” he called, his heart suddenly hammering as the gap between the door and the floor grew smaller and smaller.

“Nothing, and everything,” Kanan called back.

Before Ezra could say another word, the door closed, cutting him off from Kanan.  Wringing his hands nervously, Ezra turned away from the door.  A long, dark passageway stretched out ahead of him, so far that in the dim light, he couldn’t see the end.

“Okay,” he muttered.  “I can do this.”

He took a slow, hesitant step, and another, and another, forcing himself to keep going, keep putting distance between himself and the door.  He could do this.  He didn’t need Kanan’s help.  Kanan believed in him, and right now, that was all he needed.

Ezra didn’t know how long his trek through the dark tunnel lasted, but he finally emerged into a wide room with three doors, each branching off into another tunnel.  Ezra squinted through the darkness, but couldn’t see a thing in any of the tunnels.

“Great,” he muttered.  He looked back and forth between the three tunnels, with no idea how to figure out which direction he should take.

“Follow me.”

Ezra jumped at the sound of Kanan’s voice, turning around to see the man walking up behind him.

“It’s this way,” Kanan said, leading the way into the left-hand tunnel.

“What are you doing here?” Ezra asked as he followed his master into the passageway.

“You were right,” Kanan said.  “You shouldn’t be doing this alone.”

Ezra stayed quiet as he followed Kanan, wondering why his master’s words stung so much when he’d been the one who told Kanan he didn’t think he could do this.  Neither of them said a word until Kanan stopped in his tracks and Ezra nearly walked right into him.  Ezra looked up to see that another heavy stone door was blocking their path.

“This is it,” Kanan said.  “You just need to lift the stone.”

Ezra nodded.  It sounded easy enough.  He stepped forward and reached out with one hand, closing his eyes and breathing deeply, trying to center himself just like Kanan and Maul had both taught him.  He could see the stone clearly in his mind’s eye, unmoving.  As he let out the breath he’d barely realized he was holding, he _pushed_.  But he couldn’t sense any difference.  Slowly, he opened his eyes to see that the stone was still blocking their path.

“Try again,” Kanan said.  His tone was neutral but Ezra could sense the faintest thread of disappointment.  He had to do better.  He couldn’t make Kanan stand there and watch him fail.

Ezra closed his eyes again and reached out through the Force.  He could feel the power of the temple buzzing in the air around him, sinking under his skin.  But the door wouldn’t budge.

“Can't you help me?” Ezra asked.

“It has to be you,” Kanan said.  That thread of disappointment was now cutting into his voice, and it was all Ezra could do not to flinch.

Ezra once again focused on the temple’s presence in the Force.  It felt alive, almost like a person.  He tried to reach for it, tried to get the stone door to cooperate with him, but the more he tried, the more that power began to fade.  It slipped out of his grasp until it wasn’t just the temple.  He couldn’t feel the Force at all.

“I can't do it,” Ezra said, lowering his hand and taking a step back.  “The Force is just…I can't reach it.”

“You really are nothing without me.”

Ezra gasped at the sound of the voice and turned around, his eyes going wide as he saw Maul in the tunnel, blocking their path to the exit.

“No,” Ezra said, his voice shaking as he took a step backward.  “You can't be here.”

Ezra was suddenly painfully aware of the trackers in his blood, as if he could feel them streaming through his veins as he found himself wondering how Maul had gotten off of Dathomir so quickly and how he hadn't sensed Maul’s presence.

 _You’re weak,_ a small voice in the back of Ezra’s head reminded him.  Maul was right.  Ezra _was_ nothing without him.  He was powerless and empty and helpless, unable to do something as small as sensing the presence of the person who'd raised him.

“Make this easier on yourself and come with me, Ezra,” Maul said.

Ezra whimpered, his hand jumping up to cover his mouth.  That instinct to just obey Maul’s command fought to take over even as Ezra froze up in sheer terror.  He couldn’t go back.  He’d betrayed Maul over and over and if he went back, Maul would subject him to a punishment the likes of which he’d never seen before.  He wouldn’t be surprised if Maul just killed him.

“Stay away from him,” Kanan said, stepping between Ezra and Maul and igniting his lightsaber.

Maul smiled, activating both his blades and launching himself at Kanan, slashing at the Jedi’s neck.  Kanan only just managed to block Maul’s strike, shoving through the Force and throwing Maul back.  Kanan rushed at him, thrusting his blade toward Maul’s chest.  Ezra stood frozen, unable to move, speak, _think_.  As he watched, Maul kicked Kanan in the stomach, sending him stumbling backward as he doubled over.  Maul followed through with another kick to Kanan’s side that slammed him against the wall before he collapsed to the ground.  Maul loomed over Kanan, raising his lightsaber and bringing the blades slashing down through the air.

 _No._ Ezra couldn’t form another thought as he watched.  _No, no, no, no, **no**!_

Maul’s lightsaber pierced Kanan’s chest, directly over his heart.  Kanan barely had time to cry out in pain before the life drained from him.  Ezra felt it, like a hot knife plunged into his own chest and dragged downward through his whole body.  His bond with Kanan twisted and splintered until it shattered completely.  Ezra didn’t even realize he was screaming until his throat began to burn.

Maul switched off his weapon and turned his gaze to Ezra, fury burning in his eyes.  This was it.  It was over.  Kanan was gone and couldn’t protect him.  Ezra could barely move and couldn’t protect himself.  Maul was going to take him back and he wouldn’t escape this time.

“No,” Ezra said, the word coming out as a small, frightened squeak as he pressed himself back against the door.  “Please, don’t.”

Maul reached out a hand toward him and Ezra felt that invisible grip tighten viciously around his throat.  He was pulled forward through the air, his feet scrabbling frantically against the ground, until Maul’s hand closed around his neck.  Ezra struggled to pry Maul’s fingers away, but Maul’s grip didn’t waver.

“Please,” Ezra coughed as spots began to dance in his vision.

Ezra gasped as Maul released him, barely managing to stay on his feet.  He cried out in pain as Maul grabbed his hair, forcing him to look down at Kanan’s body.

“You did this, Ezra,” Maul hissed.  “He would still be alive if it wasn’t for you.  This is your fault.”

Maul forced Ezra to turn around and face him, keeping a tight, painful grip on Ezra’s arm.  Ezra struggled to break free, but Maul only tightened his grip.

“You belong to me,” Maul said, “and I am taking you home.”

“No!” Ezra cried.  “Let me go!”

Summoning all his strength, he wrenched himself out of Maul’s grip and ran down the tunnel toward the exit.  He heard Maul’s footsteps hammering on the ground as he followed.  By the time Ezra reached the wide room where the tunnels branched off, he was already out of breath.  He ran into the middle tunnel, hoping he could gain some ground while Maul stopped to figure out which tunnel he’d gone into.

As Ezra kept running, his breath coming in short, ragged gasps, the tunnel grew darker around him.  He kept moving, not caring if he could see or not.  He just had to get away from Maul.  But no matter how much he ran, it didn’t matter.  He could hear Maul’s metal footsteps closing in behind him.

Suddenly, the ground disappeared beneath his feet.  Ezra screamed as he fell until he wasn’t falling anymore.

Ezra’s eyes opened, his heart hammering as he looked around to see that he was lying on his bunk on the _Ghost_.  He hugged his arms around himself as he let out a sigh of relief.  It was a dream.  None of it was real.

Slowly, Ezra sat up and dropped down from his bunk to the floor.  Zeb wasn’t in the room, and as he glanced at the chronometer, he realized it was mid-morning.  The rest of the crew was probably already awake.  He quickly changed and left the room.  As he wandered aimlessly through the ship, he didn’t see any sign of the others until the reached the galley.  Something tightened around his heart as he saw Kanan there.  He was okay.  He was alive.  All of it had been a dream.

“H--hey, Kanan,” Ezra said, his voice shaking slightly.

A sharp spike of anger shot across their bond and Ezra’s heart skipped a beat.  He’d never felt Kanan this angry before.

“Ezra,” Kanan said, his face unreadable as he walked up to Ezra, “we need to talk about what happened yesterday.”

For a moment, Ezra had no idea what Kanan was talking about.  And then he remembered.  The mission.  He’d disobeyed Kanan’s order to stay put, and he’d nearly gotten shot for it.

“I --”

“Don’t,” Kanan said, his voice harsh as he cut off Ezra’s apology.  “I don’t want to hear it, Ezra.  I gave you a direct order and you didn’t listen.”

“I know,” Ezra said, looking down at the floor.  “I just --”

A loud _crack_ echoed through the room as Kanan slapped Ezra’s face.  Ezra’s eyes went wide as he looked up at Kanan in disbelief, his hand slowly reaching up to his throbbing jaw.

“Kanan --”

Ezra cried out as Kanan’s fist slammed into his stomach.  As Ezra doubled over, Kanan grabbed his arm and threw him to the floor.  Ezra’s head was spinning as he tried to grasp what was happening.

“What --”

Ezra gasped as Kanan kicked him in the side, ignoring his cry of pain and kicking him again.

“Kanan, don’t!” Ezra cried.  “I’m sorry!”

“Sorry isn’t good enough this time,” Kanan said as he grabbed hold of Ezra’s arm again and pulled him up onto his knees.

Ezra cried out as Kanan’s fist struck his face, sending pain bursting through his eye.  Another strike landed and tears began to well up in Ezra’s eyes.  This couldn’t be happening.  Kanan couldn’t be doing this to him.  He’d promised he’d never do this.  He’d _promised_.

“Hera!” Ezra screamed.

“She’s not going to help you,” Kanan said, his voice cold.  “You deserve this.”

Ezra went limp, tears flowing from his eyes as Kanan struck him again and again, pain bursting across his face with each hit.  As Kanan stepped back, he grabbed Ezra’s hair and threw him back to the floor, kicking him in the side again.  Ezra whimpered as he crawled backward along the floor.

“Kanan,” he said, his voice breaking.  “S--stop.  I’m sorry.  I -- I won't do it again.”

As Kanan loomed over him, Ezra squeezed his eyes shut as if that would protect him.  He braced himself, waiting, but the blow he was expecting never came.

He opened his eyes, blinking away tears, to find himself lying on the stone floor of the temple.  He gasped and sat up abruptly as he saw Maul standing beside him, towering over him.  Ezra backed himself up against the wall, staring up in disbelief.  The temple had been a dream, hadn't it?

No.

This had to be real.  It was the _Ghost_ that wasn’t.  Kanan would never hurt him like that.  He _knew_ that, even as his body still ached from the beating the illusion of Kanan had given him.

“St--stay away from me,” Ezra said, silently cursing the tremor in his voice as he cowered away from Maul.

“Ezra,” Maul said, his voice much gentler than Ezra had been expecting.  “I know what you saw.”

“Because you made me see it,” Ezra snapped.  That had to be it.  Maul must have created the illusion and forced it into his mind.

“I didn’t,” Maul said, “but you know it’s what would have happened if you stayed with him.”

“And it’ll happen if I leave with you, too,” Ezra said, glaring up at Maul, furious that Maul had the nerve to act like he wouldn’t hurt Ezra at the slightest excuse.  As if he hadn't already done that for years.

“I never _want_ to hurt you, Ezra,” Maul said.  “He does.  You’ve felt it, every time you make a mistake or step out of line.  He only holds back because he thinks you’re too weak to handle it.”

“That’s not true!” Ezra said.  “Kanan wouldn’t hurt me, but that’s all you’ve ever done.  I’m not listening to a word you say and I’m not going anywhere with you!”

Ezra gasped as Maul grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet.

“I never said you had a choice,” Maul growled.

“No!” Ezra shouted, wrenching himself out of Maul’s grip.  “I don’t care what you do to me.  I’m not leaving with you.”

Maul’s eyes blazed with anger as he ignited his lightsaber.

“Don’t make this worse for yourself,” he said, bringing the blade up, letting it hover dangerously close to Ezra’s leg.  “You know I won't kill you, but you wouldn’t be the first to survive losing a limb.”

Ezra stared down at the blade, his heart hammering even as a strange sense of calm settled over him.  He knew Maul would do it.  Maul would cut off his leg, maim him, blind him like he’d threatened to do to Sabine; he’d do anything he had to do to bring Ezra to heel.  But no matter what he did, he would never break Ezra like he did last time.  Ezra wouldn’t let it happen again.

“Then do it,” Ezra said, staring up at Maul with a defiant glare.  “I’m not scared of you.”

He closed his eyes, bracing himself, but nothing happened.  Slowly, he opened them again to find that he was alone in the tunnel.  Maul was just gone, as if he’d never been there in the first place.

Ezra hugged his arms around himself as tears welled up in his eyes.  Kanan had said he’d have to face his worst fears, but this was worse than he could have imagined.  Everything felt so _real_ , and some small part of him was still almost convinced that it was.

“I can't do this,” he said quietly as he sank to the ground, pulling his knees up to his chest.  Kanan told him this test was meant to see if he could truly be a Jedi, and he knew he’d failed.  He was too weak, too scared, too angry and broken.  He was everything a Jedi wasn’t supposed to be.

_No._

It wasn’t a voice in his head, exactly.  It was more of a nudge through the Force, gently correcting him and guiding him to a different answer.  He’d stood up to Maul.  He’d clung to the truth that Kanan would never hurt him even in the face of an illusion so strong he felt every blow as if it were real.  He was stronger than Maul ever let him believe he was.

But even though he knew that that was the answer the temple had wanted him to find, it didn’t feel true.  Whatever strength he had had been sapped from him, blocked off behind a glass wall in his mind where he could see it, but couldn’t reach it.

Ezra slumped against the wall, leaning his head down on his knees as he began to cry in earnest.  He needed Kanan.  He needed Kanan now and he wasn’t here.  No matter how strong he was just moments ago, he couldn’t keep going alone.

* * *

 

A sharp pain burst through Kanan’s chest like a knife being driven between his ribs.  He gasped and opened his eyes, staring intently at the door.  Ezra was somewhere behind it, deep in the temple, and he was in pain.

The knowledge drove Kanan to his feet and toward the door.  As he drew closer to it, he hesitated.  He knew how this was supposed to work.  Ezra was supposed to get through this on his own.  He knew, but part of him didn’t care.  Ezra wasn’t like other padawans, and Kanan had always known that his training was going to be different.

Kanan reached out a hand toward the door.  For a moment, nothing happened, and Kanan’s heart skipped a beat as he wondered if the temple was going to stop him from helping Ezra.  But his moment of panic faded as the door slowly lifted up with a harsh grinding sound.  Kanan ducked under the stone and began to run through the tunnel behind it, following the feeling of Ezra’s pain and fear in the Force.

He finally found Ezra, huddled against the wall in one of the tunnels.  He was crying, his whole body shaking with sobs.  Kanan felt a sharp sting in his heart and ran to his padawan’s side, kneeling down in front of him and putting his hands on the kid’s shoulders.

“Ezra,” he said softly.  Ezra looked up and him and whimpered, flinching back against the wall.

“Hey,” Kanan said.  “It’s okay.”

When Ezra didn’t respond, Kanan reached out and gently cupped Ezra’s face in his hands.  He rested his forehead against the boy’s and reached out across their bond, gently cradling Ezra’s Force presence in his mind.

“You’re okay,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.  “I’m here.  You’re okay.”

* * *

 

Something gently nudged against Ezra’s mind, twining around him and holding him tightly.  It was a presence in the Force, familiar and comforting and steady.  It felt like home.  It felt like…

“Kanan?” he said, fear tightening around his heart at the thought that this was just another illusion and he was going to be forced to watch something terrible happen to Kanan _again_.

But when Kanan pulled away slightly and looked into his eyes, Ezra knew.  It was really him.  Kanan had come to find him.

Suddenly overcome with a blur of emotions he couldn’t make sense of, Ezra threw his arms around Kanan, a fresh wave of tears welling up in his eyes as he held onto his master as tightly as he could.

“It’s okay,” Kanan said, his arms closing around Ezra.  “You’re okay.”

“C--can we go home?” Ezra asked, his voice shaking.

“Yeah,” Kanan said, a soothing hand running through Ezra’s hair.  “Let’s go home.”

Ezra was barely aware of his actions as he stood up and followed Kanan through the tunnels to the wide room where Kanan had been waiting for him.  He just let Kanan take the lead, guiding him through the process of lifting the stone door to get them out of the temple.  When they reached the _Phantom_ , Ezra saw Kanan shoot a worried glance back at him as he began the startup sequence and launched.  Once he'd set the autopilot, Kanan walked to the back of the shuttle and sat down beside Ezra.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

Ezra just shrugged.  He genuinely didn’t know how to answer that question.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I saw…” Ezra’s voice trailed off as he stared down at his hands, his eyes unfocused.  “Maul was there.  He -- he killed you.”

As he said it, the tears that he had just barely been holding back began to spill from his eyes.  The sight of Kanan’s body lying motionless on the ground was burned into his mind.  He could still feel Maul’s hand gripping his hair, forcing him to look down at his dead master.

“Hey,” Kanan said, gently cupping Ezra’s chin and tilting his face up.  “I’m right here.  I’m alright.”

“If -- if he hurts you again, it’ll be my fault,” Ezra said, his voice breaking.

“No,” Kanan said, releasing Ezra’s face and sliding an arm around his shoulders.  “His actions are not on you.”

“I let him go,” Ezra said.  “If it wasn’t for me, he’d be in prison now.  If it wasn’t for me, he’d never have come after you in the first place.”

“We all knew the risks when we took you in, Ezra,” Kanan said.  “And now…Ezra, if he comes after us again, that’s his own choice.  He could just let you go, and it’s not your fault that he won't.”

Ezra looked away, staring down at the floor as he hugged his arms around himself.  Kanan seemed so sure of his words, and Ezra wished he could believe it.  He didn’t understand how Kanan could be so forgiving.  As that thought entered his mind, it was quickly followed by the memory of what else he’d seen in the temple.

“Ezra?” Kanan said, his voice gentle.  “Something else happened, didn’t it?”

“It was --” Ezra’s voice broke off as his he began trembling.  “I had a vision.”  He shook his head.  “No, it wasn’t a vision.  It wasn’t real, but…I did something wrong and you -- you beat me.”

His voice cracked on last few words, dissolving into a quiet sob before Ezra clenched his jaw so no sound would come out.  For a moment, a tense, painful silence filled the ship.  Ezra began shaking more violently as he wondered if he shouldn’t have said anything.

“Ezra, I…” Kanan’s voice trailed off for a moment before he spoke again.  “I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t really do it,” Ezra said, barely able to get the words out.

“I’m sorry you’re still afraid that I will,” Kanan said.

“I’m _not_ ,” Ezra insisted.  “I know you won't.  You’re -- you’re not like him, but…”

Ezra trailed off, not knowing what he actually wanted to say.

“If you saw it in the temple, then on some level, you’re still afraid of it,” Kanan said.  Ezra could sense his guilt through their bond, clinging to Kanan’s mind as if he’d really done something wrong.

Kanan pulled Ezra into a tight hug, holding him against his chest.  Ezra leaned into it, no longer trying to hold back his tears as he leaned his head against Kanan’s shoulder.

“I will _never_ hurt you, Ezra,” Kanan said, gently cradling Ezra against his chest.  “And I’ll keep telling you that as long as you need to hear it.”

Ezra said nothing.  He couldn’t find the words for what he wanted to express, and even if he could, he didn’t think he’d be able to get his voice to work, anyway.  He just clung to Kanan, quietly crying into his shoulder, letting his feelings of _I know thank you I love you_ flow across their bond.  Kanan’s presence in the Force wrapped gently around his mind, like a hug inside his head.  Ezra held onto that feeling, burning it into his mind so he would never forget it.

Ezra didn’t know how long they stayed like that, Kanan holding him and wordlessly comforting him.  He just knew it was long enough that finally, his tears stopped, and he pulled away and looked up at his master.

“Kanan,” he said, his voice still shaking even though he’d stopped crying.  “I --”

Ezra stopped talking, not sure what to say.  There were so many things he wanted to tell Kanan, some of them things he’d already said before, and some of them things he didn’t know the words for.

“It’s okay,” Kanan said, gripping Ezra’s shoulder and squeezing it tightly.  “I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> gods, even knowing that it was an illusion and didn't really happen it was _so hard_ writing Kanan hurting Ezra that I actually cried a little bit


End file.
